So, I've been having to take a long, hard look at my life's accomplishments lately and I've come to the conclusion that I'm worth a lot more dead than alive. I'm a colossal loser. My accomplishments are pretty close to meaningless. Doug deserves better than me.
When my father was 41 years old, he was a millionaire. At age 41, I presently have $19 in my checking account. At age 41, my dad owned a $400,000, 6-bedroom home on a half-acre of land in a very posh neighborhood. He also had six cars and two motorcycles. He had rare art from all over the world, including a Salvador Dali. I, by comparison, am barely keeping up with a tiny, 11-foot-wide rowhome in a dodgy neighborhood. My home needs repairs that I cannot afford to make. I don't own any art. I barely keep up with my car payments. And far from being a millionaire, my net worth is something like $10,000 if all of my assets were sold and the proceeds used to pay creditors.
That's pretty pathetic for someone who started working at age 14.
If I was killed in an accident or dropped dead from heart failure, Doug would get a $50,000 insurance payout and a $32,000 check from the pension service. I'm worth more dead than alive.
My other "accomplishments"? I manage to lead worship services that few people attend. When Doug leads, the attendance is typically 2-3 times more than services I lead. I'm just not that likable. I wrote two books that ultimately had about $25 in royalties paid -- ever. So if that's not the definition of a flop, I don't know what is. I wrote a roleplaying game (a three volume set) that took over ten years to write and has over 1,500 pages in all. No publisher would touch it with a ten foot pole. I was pretty good at jogging, but then my body developed a heart illness (yes, I can even be a loser in exercise). I compensated by doing bicycling instead, but then my bike got stolen (the losing streak continues) and I couldn't afford to replace it (because I am a loser).
Want to know more? Well, I'm also a loser at hang gliding. I've wrecked three gliders and could never afford to get a fourth (because I am a loser). I damaged my body in a diving accident and have had long-lasting medical repercussions as a result. I have few friends. Most people can't really abide being around me for more than an hour or so. I'm emotionally crippled. I have a dissociative disorder that prevents me from ever feeling whole. I have a college degree that is utterly worthless (it's in mathematics and I'm not actually all that good at math). When I worked in private industry, every company I worked for ended up going out of business. (Yes, I am that much of a loser).
In attempt to show that I can actually accomplish something, I applied to be a probation agent. The pay is better after a year in "trainee" status. The trouble is that I'm probably going to f--- this job up like I f--- everything else up. Losers only know how to lose. Doug deserves better than me. If I screw up at this new job, I will have to do the honorable thing before the termination papers can get processed. At least Doug will get some insurance/pension money so that he won't lose the house. I should just drive the car into a retaining wall at 100 MPH. That would at least end the losing streak and let Doug have a chance at a life with someone who doesn't drag him down.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
A Samhain Poem
A Year and a Day
By Indigo
Shining sun and glimmering sea
God and Goddess blessed be
Earth below and Sky above
God and Goddess thanks and love
A time of darkness, of autumn's hold
The God of Shadow rules the cold
Of fallen leaves, of wind so chill
The wizened Goddess loves us still
A spark of light in dark forlorn
The infant God is thus reborn
The time of loss is nearly past
The ancient Goddess declares at last
A ring of ice begins to melt
The Sun God's presence soon is felt
A ring of fire shall warm the night
The maiden Goddess shines with light
The day and night have equal hour
The Sun God has returned to power
Light and Dark, in balance be
The Maiden Goddess dances free
The time of growth, here and above
The Sun God bids the Goddess love
Fertility now of womb and fields
The Goddess to her lover yields
A time of light, a time of power
The Sun God's love doth rule this hour
A time of green, of warmth, and light
The Mother sings out with delight
A time of harvest, of wheat and grain
The Sun God's power begins to wane
A time of reaping, as spring foretold
The Mother Goddess is growing old
The days grow short, the fields are fallow
The Sun God becomes the Lord of Shadow
The fields stand barren, the fruits are stored
The Loving Crone has kept her word.
Shining sun and glimmering sea
God and Goddess blessed be
Earth below and Sky above
God and Goddess thanks and love
By Indigo
Shining sun and glimmering sea
God and Goddess blessed be
Earth below and Sky above
God and Goddess thanks and love
A time of darkness, of autumn's hold
The God of Shadow rules the cold
Of fallen leaves, of wind so chill
The wizened Goddess loves us still
A spark of light in dark forlorn
The infant God is thus reborn
The time of loss is nearly past
The ancient Goddess declares at last
A ring of ice begins to melt
The Sun God's presence soon is felt
A ring of fire shall warm the night
The maiden Goddess shines with light
The day and night have equal hour
The Sun God has returned to power
Light and Dark, in balance be
The Maiden Goddess dances free
The time of growth, here and above
The Sun God bids the Goddess love
Fertility now of womb and fields
The Goddess to her lover yields
A time of light, a time of power
The Sun God's love doth rule this hour
A time of green, of warmth, and light
The Mother sings out with delight
A time of harvest, of wheat and grain
The Sun God's power begins to wane
A time of reaping, as spring foretold
The Mother Goddess is growing old
The days grow short, the fields are fallow
The Sun God becomes the Lord of Shadow
The fields stand barren, the fruits are stored
The Loving Crone has kept her word.
Shining sun and glimmering sea
God and Goddess blessed be
Earth below and Sky above
God and Goddess thanks and love
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Samhain is coming up!
Yes, indeed, it is only six days until Samhain (October 31st). It is the day when the veil between the material and spiritual worlds is the thinnest. It begins the "darkest" quarter of the year when there is less sunlight than at other times of year. The leaves of the trees are vibrant yellow, orange, and red. There's a crispness to the air that is special to this time of year.
I am co-officiating for a Samhain ritual this upcoming weekend. Doug, my spouse, isn't a big fan of this holiday since it focuses on ancestors and loved ones who have died. Doug's sister died from lung/breast cancer about four years ago, so Samhain is a tough holiday. It's aggravated this year because our wonderful little dog Lola died over the weekend. She was about fifteen years old. She did not suffer. She went to sleep on her little doggy bed and that was it. I'm guessing she had a stroke since the only indicator that something was wrong was that she had some coordination problems earlier in the day.
Samhain can be a sad holiday, but it is a necessary one. There is an ongoing balance between life and death. There has to be one for the other to continue. Without life, there can be no death. But without death, the cycle of life would also stop. That is the beauty of Wicca is understanding that darkness is not evil, but simply a necessary balance to light. Death is not evil, but simply a necessary balance to life. Likewise, death often brings sadness and despair, but how can one ever know joy and happiness if one has never experienced its opposite?
So Samhain recognizes the harsher realities that are very much part of our lives. Death is real, but it does not have to be feared. And it is merely one stop in the ongoing cycle of birth, growth, decline, death, rest, and rebirth.
So, for Samhain, here are the people I light a candle of memory for:
Lola the Dog: You were a wonderful little beastie and a loyal friend. You were a wonderful companion.
Charles: You were a great stepfather. I often think how wonderful it would have been if you had raised me instead of the monster who actually did. I'm sorry you died so young.
Jewel: I didn't know you very long because your life was cut short be cancer. But I am grateful that you introduced me to Wicca. My life has changed for the better in so many ways since walking the pagan path.
I am co-officiating for a Samhain ritual this upcoming weekend. Doug, my spouse, isn't a big fan of this holiday since it focuses on ancestors and loved ones who have died. Doug's sister died from lung/breast cancer about four years ago, so Samhain is a tough holiday. It's aggravated this year because our wonderful little dog Lola died over the weekend. She was about fifteen years old. She did not suffer. She went to sleep on her little doggy bed and that was it. I'm guessing she had a stroke since the only indicator that something was wrong was that she had some coordination problems earlier in the day.
Samhain can be a sad holiday, but it is a necessary one. There is an ongoing balance between life and death. There has to be one for the other to continue. Without life, there can be no death. But without death, the cycle of life would also stop. That is the beauty of Wicca is understanding that darkness is not evil, but simply a necessary balance to light. Death is not evil, but simply a necessary balance to life. Likewise, death often brings sadness and despair, but how can one ever know joy and happiness if one has never experienced its opposite?
So Samhain recognizes the harsher realities that are very much part of our lives. Death is real, but it does not have to be feared. And it is merely one stop in the ongoing cycle of birth, growth, decline, death, rest, and rebirth.
So, for Samhain, here are the people I light a candle of memory for:
Lola the Dog: You were a wonderful little beastie and a loyal friend. You were a wonderful companion.
Charles: You were a great stepfather. I often think how wonderful it would have been if you had raised me instead of the monster who actually did. I'm sorry you died so young.
Jewel: I didn't know you very long because your life was cut short be cancer. But I am grateful that you introduced me to Wicca. My life has changed for the better in so many ways since walking the pagan path.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Autumn
I have to say that I made the most out of yesterday. It was one of those rare autumn days in Baltimore in which it *wasn't* overcast and raining. I think it actually rained every day here for nearly a month. It wasn't a hard, flood-causing rain, of course, but instead it was a consistent drizzle that made outdoor activities miserable. But, lo and behold, it was warm and sunny yesterday. I used the opportunity to walk six miles and do yard work. It was pretty nice being able to get out and exercise.
I am still getting strung along by the Department of Parole & Probation. Apparently I am "approved for hire" but not actually hired. My guess is that I am a backup plan in case their preferred candidate (most likely someone 25, in perfect health, and 800 credit) cracks up. I'm not holding my breath concerning this job. I am good at my current job but I'l like to leave because of the grotesquely asymmetrical working conditions. Just to give you an idea of what I mean, there are 12 case agents in my unit. The recommended duty load is 45 cases. I and six other agents have duty loads above 70 (mine is currently 80). There are some agents that are "friends" with upper management that have case loads under 20. One even has a duty load of *one* case. It's just pathetic. I don't mind working hard, but it bugs the crap out of me to know that the reason why my case load is 80 is because some skinny, 25-year-old sweet-looking, lazy, petty bimbo has a caseload of *one*. And that is why I want to get a different job. I'm tired of doing other people's work and getting paid less for it. The bimbo actually gets paid more than me too. Blech.
I am really distressed about how sick and frail my mom has become. She is terminally ill due to her smoking habit. There is nothing to be done. But it's just pains me to know how sick she is and how little quality of life she has remaining. And I really resent the fact that I can't be there for her as much as I'd like.
I also get resentful over the fact that I feel like a creep because I am not as emotionally close to her as I think I'm supposed to be. But when I was a child, she was an out-of-control alcoholic who was passed out on the couch with an empty vodka bottle next to her every day when I cam home from school. She was also a narcissist who used to do utterly fake suicide attempts and make my sister and me watch. I remember a particularly wretched attempt where she swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin and then made us watch her throw up blood into the bath tub. Nice. You just don't really "bounce back" from seeing that.
I think I'm as emotionally close to her as I *can* be, but there's certainly some distance there. And I feel like a creep because of it. But I don't see how there is a way around that. I do call mom twice each week.And that's two more calls than my worthless sister ever does. It's two more calls than my cheapskate millionaire uncle ever does. He lives only a half-hour drive, is a millionaire, and won't spend a minute with his sister nor help her out financially in any way. Mom is on food stamps and medicare and my uncle won't give mom a thin dime. Of course, he's a devout Christian, so that's to be expected.
I am still getting strung along by the Department of Parole & Probation. Apparently I am "approved for hire" but not actually hired. My guess is that I am a backup plan in case their preferred candidate (most likely someone 25, in perfect health, and 800 credit) cracks up. I'm not holding my breath concerning this job. I am good at my current job but I'l like to leave because of the grotesquely asymmetrical working conditions. Just to give you an idea of what I mean, there are 12 case agents in my unit. The recommended duty load is 45 cases. I and six other agents have duty loads above 70 (mine is currently 80). There are some agents that are "friends" with upper management that have case loads under 20. One even has a duty load of *one* case. It's just pathetic. I don't mind working hard, but it bugs the crap out of me to know that the reason why my case load is 80 is because some skinny, 25-year-old sweet-looking, lazy, petty bimbo has a caseload of *one*. And that is why I want to get a different job. I'm tired of doing other people's work and getting paid less for it. The bimbo actually gets paid more than me too. Blech.
I am really distressed about how sick and frail my mom has become. She is terminally ill due to her smoking habit. There is nothing to be done. But it's just pains me to know how sick she is and how little quality of life she has remaining. And I really resent the fact that I can't be there for her as much as I'd like.
I also get resentful over the fact that I feel like a creep because I am not as emotionally close to her as I think I'm supposed to be. But when I was a child, she was an out-of-control alcoholic who was passed out on the couch with an empty vodka bottle next to her every day when I cam home from school. She was also a narcissist who used to do utterly fake suicide attempts and make my sister and me watch. I remember a particularly wretched attempt where she swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin and then made us watch her throw up blood into the bath tub. Nice. You just don't really "bounce back" from seeing that.
I think I'm as emotionally close to her as I *can* be, but there's certainly some distance there. And I feel like a creep because of it. But I don't see how there is a way around that. I do call mom twice each week.And that's two more calls than my worthless sister ever does. It's two more calls than my cheapskate millionaire uncle ever does. He lives only a half-hour drive, is a millionaire, and won't spend a minute with his sister nor help her out financially in any way. Mom is on food stamps and medicare and my uncle won't give mom a thin dime. Of course, he's a devout Christian, so that's to be expected.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The Modern Job Interview. Blech.
So... I applied for a job at Parole & Probation. I've been on job interviews before. I'm usually pretty good at them. For the job I currently have, I was able to successfully draw a reasonable comparison between running a credit check and a criminal background check. But that was before the "modern" era in hiring where you have to be under 30 years old and already know how to do the job.
To get an interview out of P&P, I had to let them look at my criminal, credit, and medical record. I didn't think I had anything to hide. Oh, how wrong I was!
Here's how this really humiliating interview went:
Interviewer: "So, you're 41 years old?" (Said with a sneer. The interviewer looked to be about 28 or so).
Me: "Yes, that is so."
Interviewer: "I see" (said with a distinct frown).
Interviewer: "You missed a car payment in 2006."
Me: "That is so. I haven't missed any since."
Interviewer: "You have a heart condition?"
Me: "Yes. But I have not missed one day of work in five years."
Interviewer: "You were suspended from school once?"
Me: "Yes. I was 13. And I was stupid back then."
Interviewer: "Have you EVER drank alcohol?"
Me: "I have."
Interviewer: "I see. So you're a drinker."
Me: "I do not thinking averaging one mixed drink per month constitutes being a 'drinker'."
The interviewer did not reply, but scribbled notes for a while.
Interviewer: "That's all. Thanks for coming."
Yeah. I'm not counting on getting this job. Apparently the Department of Parole & Probation is looking for 30-year-olds with perfect 800 credit, perfect health, no alcohol use EVER, and no teenage disciplinary problems. Oh, and the candidate has to know how to do the job already. What a laugh.
I guess it's a good thing I am good at my current job.
To get an interview out of P&P, I had to let them look at my criminal, credit, and medical record. I didn't think I had anything to hide. Oh, how wrong I was!
Here's how this really humiliating interview went:
Interviewer: "So, you're 41 years old?" (Said with a sneer. The interviewer looked to be about 28 or so).
Me: "Yes, that is so."
Interviewer: "I see" (said with a distinct frown).
Interviewer: "You missed a car payment in 2006."
Me: "That is so. I haven't missed any since."
Interviewer: "You have a heart condition?"
Me: "Yes. But I have not missed one day of work in five years."
Interviewer: "You were suspended from school once?"
Me: "Yes. I was 13. And I was stupid back then."
Interviewer: "Have you EVER drank alcohol?"
Me: "I have."
Interviewer: "I see. So you're a drinker."
Me: "I do not thinking averaging one mixed drink per month constitutes being a 'drinker'."
The interviewer did not reply, but scribbled notes for a while.
Interviewer: "That's all. Thanks for coming."
Yeah. I'm not counting on getting this job. Apparently the Department of Parole & Probation is looking for 30-year-olds with perfect 800 credit, perfect health, no alcohol use EVER, and no teenage disciplinary problems. Oh, and the candidate has to know how to do the job already. What a laugh.
I guess it's a good thing I am good at my current job.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
911 Ten Years Later
When I think of what has become of our once-great nation ten years after the cowardly terrorist attacks on 9/11/2001, it is hard to say that the terrorists achieved anything less than an unqualified success. America is on the verge of bankruptcy. Our national debt is ten trillion more than it was in 2001. Gas prices are three times higher. Food prices are twice as high. Unemployment is 20% and still steadily spiraling upward (the official 9.1% is a barefaced lie.) The CEOs of defense-industry contractors made billions and billions of profits off the blood of our soldiers. And our soldiers have been driven insane or dismembered at amazingly high rates (the death count doesn't even begin to tell the story). And then there are the 600,000+ Iraqi civilians that have lost their lives. They didn't ask for this.
Aside from the economic devastation of 911, the Federal government used the terrorist attack to jettison the Constitution and all pretense on privacy. Our phones are tapped by the government without a warrant. Our email is read without a warrant. Our citizens can be interrogated and imprisoned without judicial review. An airline flight has become an exercise of public humiliation in the name of "security", where security guards strip-search the elderly and the disabled.
Then there is the social degeneration that has occurred since 911. The Christian Right has determined to turn America into a freedom-stifling, sinister, and austere theocracy that could rival Saudi Arabia. Don't believe me? Do a net search on the term "Dominionist" sometime. It will be a real eye-opener. The Dominionists have put a lot of money into the Perry campaign and they expect results if Perry wins. If you're gay, non-Christian, or an unmarried woman, you can kiss your freedoms goodbye (and possibly your life too).
The 911 terrorists won. We lost. America is finished. Our government did everything that Al Qaeda couldn't. The American citizens were attacked by Islamic terrorists but the real betrayal of the American people can at the hands of Bush and Obama. They chose to throw away the freedoms, wealth, prestige, and secular law that had made America great. Now we're one election away from becoming a theocratic plutocracy -- just like every country in the Middle East.
Aside from the economic devastation of 911, the Federal government used the terrorist attack to jettison the Constitution and all pretense on privacy. Our phones are tapped by the government without a warrant. Our email is read without a warrant. Our citizens can be interrogated and imprisoned without judicial review. An airline flight has become an exercise of public humiliation in the name of "security", where security guards strip-search the elderly and the disabled.
Then there is the social degeneration that has occurred since 911. The Christian Right has determined to turn America into a freedom-stifling, sinister, and austere theocracy that could rival Saudi Arabia. Don't believe me? Do a net search on the term "Dominionist" sometime. It will be a real eye-opener. The Dominionists have put a lot of money into the Perry campaign and they expect results if Perry wins. If you're gay, non-Christian, or an unmarried woman, you can kiss your freedoms goodbye (and possibly your life too).
The 911 terrorists won. We lost. America is finished. Our government did everything that Al Qaeda couldn't. The American citizens were attacked by Islamic terrorists but the real betrayal of the American people can at the hands of Bush and Obama. They chose to throw away the freedoms, wealth, prestige, and secular law that had made America great. Now we're one election away from becoming a theocratic plutocracy -- just like every country in the Middle East.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Super-workout and the day after
So, one of my phobias is somehow ending up being one of those 500-pound, middle-aged slugs that is so heavy that he has to do his grocery shopping using an electric scooter. I can't make myself stop eating (I lack the willpower to eat significantly less than I do) but I do seem to have the willpower to exercise. So I do -- a lot.
On Friday, I had the day off thanks to the budget cuts (I still have my job, thankfully, but sometimes the office closes because of the Governor's decree to save money). So I was feeling paranoid about my weight since it had rained earlier in the week and I was unable to get the amount of exercise I usually get. I went to the NCR trail and walked 14 miles. While I have walked that length before, I really stepped up the pace this time. My sustained speed was 3.9 MPH for the whole walk.
Doug and I also stayed out until 2:00AM doing karaoke that same night. It was a real blast.
The next morning, I was so tired that I could hardly stand up. I guess doing a huge amount of exercise combined with staying up really late was not the best activities to put back-to-back. I feel better today, however.
The rational mind would suggest that the closer I get to age 50 the less I have to worry about being a 500-pound slug. While my psyche is 29, the physical body is 41. So, rationally, it would be pretty hard to somehow gain 310 pounds in nine years. But who ever said that phobias were rational? Realistically, I'd like to be 20 pounds lighter than I am. But I just can't seem to accomplish it.
I am a vegetarian. I don't drink alcohol to excess (I've had one mixed drink in the past three months). I don't smoke. I am not excessive in consumption of sweet things. And I surely do exercise. And yet my weight remains rock-steady at 20 pounds above what it should be. I suppose that my one really bad dietary item is cheese. I just like cheese way to much to give it up. I often worry that if I ever lose my discipline for exercise, I'll balloon up to 500 pounds very quickly.
I don't want to end up being the kind of person that cannot climb a flight of stairs, can't fit onto a roller coaster ride, can't squeeze into a fuel-efficient compact car, and can't buy el-cheapo off-the-rack clothes. I don't want to be on a dozen medications for blood pressure or diabetes. In theory, I'm supposed to be on medicine for tachycardia but I don't take it. I've tried it and it interferes with my ability to exercise, so that's a deal-breaker.
So, the long and short of it is that I completely destroyed any enjoyment I could have had on Saturday because of fear. That really sucks. Fear sucks.
On Friday, I had the day off thanks to the budget cuts (I still have my job, thankfully, but sometimes the office closes because of the Governor's decree to save money). So I was feeling paranoid about my weight since it had rained earlier in the week and I was unable to get the amount of exercise I usually get. I went to the NCR trail and walked 14 miles. While I have walked that length before, I really stepped up the pace this time. My sustained speed was 3.9 MPH for the whole walk.
Doug and I also stayed out until 2:00AM doing karaoke that same night. It was a real blast.
The next morning, I was so tired that I could hardly stand up. I guess doing a huge amount of exercise combined with staying up really late was not the best activities to put back-to-back. I feel better today, however.
The rational mind would suggest that the closer I get to age 50 the less I have to worry about being a 500-pound slug. While my psyche is 29, the physical body is 41. So, rationally, it would be pretty hard to somehow gain 310 pounds in nine years. But who ever said that phobias were rational? Realistically, I'd like to be 20 pounds lighter than I am. But I just can't seem to accomplish it.
I am a vegetarian. I don't drink alcohol to excess (I've had one mixed drink in the past three months). I don't smoke. I am not excessive in consumption of sweet things. And I surely do exercise. And yet my weight remains rock-steady at 20 pounds above what it should be. I suppose that my one really bad dietary item is cheese. I just like cheese way to much to give it up. I often worry that if I ever lose my discipline for exercise, I'll balloon up to 500 pounds very quickly.
I don't want to end up being the kind of person that cannot climb a flight of stairs, can't fit onto a roller coaster ride, can't squeeze into a fuel-efficient compact car, and can't buy el-cheapo off-the-rack clothes. I don't want to be on a dozen medications for blood pressure or diabetes. In theory, I'm supposed to be on medicine for tachycardia but I don't take it. I've tried it and it interferes with my ability to exercise, so that's a deal-breaker.
So, the long and short of it is that I completely destroyed any enjoyment I could have had on Saturday because of fear. That really sucks. Fear sucks.
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