Doug and I have had a nice visit with his mom (Jane). She had gall bladder surgery a few weeks ago and I'm happy to say that she seems to have made a full recovery. Huzzah! It's always nice to visit with family when it is with family members that are accepting and life-affirming.
Doug's been a vegetarian for about a month, but I didn't hold it against him that he ate some turkey. I'm not really sure if I could tolerate meat at this point, after being vegetarian for four years. But Jane and Doug are both good cooks. They made me some tofu turkey cutlets that were quite good, as well as some mushroom gravy to go with the fake turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes.
I ended up giving Doug his Yule present a bit early. He has been wanting a Nook book reader for nearly a year. I could not afford one when the price was $140, but B&N had the gadget for $79.99 last night so I knew I had to get it for him. Doug is very pleased. The Nook has a really sharp monochrome screen that seems to be almost the same resolution of a printed book. I also discovered that I can read his Nook books on my cell phone too. Whoo-hoo! Gotta love the Android App market, eh?
I am grateful to my friend Jeff for watching our two cats while we are away. If Jeff had not done us this favor, I would have had to stay home with the pets. Jeff is a really good friend.
Tomorrow is going to be a drag. We must face the 6-7 hour drive from Erie to Baltimore. The horror... the horror...
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tired
No, I’m not physically tired. I mean I had to get new tires. Some jackass flattened my tires. Since the back two only had 2mm of tread left anyway, it seemed that now was as good a time as any to replace two tires. Blech. I really like my car, but finding spare parts for hybrids is no picnic. As it turns out, the 2010 Honda Insight uses a very obscure tire size. I had to call 14 merchants before I could locate one that carried it in stock (this ended up being, of course, the same dealer that I purchased the car from. Surprise, surprise.) At least I didn’t get ripped off. The tires were $95/each. The tires for Doug’s Scion xD are twice that price.
Oddly enough, whatever punk in the neighborhood that gets his jollies from flattening tires never seems to *slash* the tires. He/she just lets the air out. Go figure. At least that makes it easy to get back on the road since my car insurance company has roadside assistance for a whopping 80 cents per month. But it’s aggravating to come out of the house in the morning and have to deal with this. I was glad that Doug was willing to let me drive his car to work yesterday since his duty shift starts later than mine. He was able to deal with the roadside claim.
So, after having the Insight for nearly two years, I still stand by my grade of “A-“. The car only has one recurring problem. There’s a sensor called a TMPS gauge that has failed four times since I got the car. Honda keeps replacing it for free and the sensor doesn’t make the car undriveable. This time, the sensor lasted EIGHTEEN MINUTES before shorting out. Huzzah!
In other news, I am now a Coordinator for Turning Circle. Positionally, this would be similar to “associate rector” in a Christian church. We don’t use the traditional Wiccan ranks, but instead use “member”, “officer”, and “coordinator”. Doug has assumed my vacated position of Liturgist, which means he is of “officer” rank. I’m pretty happy with how much Turning Circle has evolved in the past four years. In early 2008, it had five core members and met only once per month. Now it has 12 core members and meets for all sabbats and esbets. We also have a wider variety of services than we used to. We can do a dedication and initiation rite. At least one member is registered clergy (so we could, in theory, do a wedding of handfastening service). We have a website. We do two services each year for the Unitarian Universalists. We do four charity projects each year. So we are a fully-actualized religious organization.
Doug and I are visiting Doug’s family for Thanksgiving. I really like Doug’s mom. I feel bad that she is pretty close to being destitute. She made the terrible decision to bankroll her daughter’s decade-long cocaine problem. The best thing Doug’s sister ever did with her life was to die young. I know that’s a mean thing to say, but she was a person without a single redeeming quality. Through her drug problem and bad behavior, she inflicting lasting harm on everyone she ever knew. On the bright side, with her being dead, we now no longer have to worry about some crazed drug dealer banging on the door demanding huge sums of cash while the family is having Thanksgiving dinner (or Christmas dinner, or Easter dinner, or a July 4th barbecue, or whatever). So, while none of us have a lot of money, at least we’ll have a nice family dinner together in peace. That’s worth being happy about.
Oddly enough, whatever punk in the neighborhood that gets his jollies from flattening tires never seems to *slash* the tires. He/she just lets the air out. Go figure. At least that makes it easy to get back on the road since my car insurance company has roadside assistance for a whopping 80 cents per month. But it’s aggravating to come out of the house in the morning and have to deal with this. I was glad that Doug was willing to let me drive his car to work yesterday since his duty shift starts later than mine. He was able to deal with the roadside claim.
So, after having the Insight for nearly two years, I still stand by my grade of “A-“. The car only has one recurring problem. There’s a sensor called a TMPS gauge that has failed four times since I got the car. Honda keeps replacing it for free and the sensor doesn’t make the car undriveable. This time, the sensor lasted EIGHTEEN MINUTES before shorting out. Huzzah!
In other news, I am now a Coordinator for Turning Circle. Positionally, this would be similar to “associate rector” in a Christian church. We don’t use the traditional Wiccan ranks, but instead use “member”, “officer”, and “coordinator”. Doug has assumed my vacated position of Liturgist, which means he is of “officer” rank. I’m pretty happy with how much Turning Circle has evolved in the past four years. In early 2008, it had five core members and met only once per month. Now it has 12 core members and meets for all sabbats and esbets. We also have a wider variety of services than we used to. We can do a dedication and initiation rite. At least one member is registered clergy (so we could, in theory, do a wedding of handfastening service). We have a website. We do two services each year for the Unitarian Universalists. We do four charity projects each year. So we are a fully-actualized religious organization.
Doug and I are visiting Doug’s family for Thanksgiving. I really like Doug’s mom. I feel bad that she is pretty close to being destitute. She made the terrible decision to bankroll her daughter’s decade-long cocaine problem. The best thing Doug’s sister ever did with her life was to die young. I know that’s a mean thing to say, but she was a person without a single redeeming quality. Through her drug problem and bad behavior, she inflicting lasting harm on everyone she ever knew. On the bright side, with her being dead, we now no longer have to worry about some crazed drug dealer banging on the door demanding huge sums of cash while the family is having Thanksgiving dinner (or Christmas dinner, or Easter dinner, or a July 4th barbecue, or whatever). So, while none of us have a lot of money, at least we’ll have a nice family dinner together in peace. That’s worth being happy about.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Onward and Upward
I am happy to say that I am now a Coordinator for Turning Circle. We don't use the typical 1st, 2nd, and 3rd degree titles. Instead, we have the ranks of Member, Officer, and Coordinator. So I now co-lead Turning Circle. Huzzah!
The latest ritual (Autumn Rite) went pretty well. The only hiccup was that I did not know the other Coordinator was allergic to sage smoke. So she ended up sorta looking like an Old West desperado since she wore a bandanna over her face for the rest of the ritual. Oops! So for 2012, we're adding "known allergies" to the member database.
Our little dog, Stella, is fully recovered from her surgery. Two weeks ago she decided to eat a USB cable. Blech. It was $5 to buy and $996 to remove. Egads. But she is back to her usual bouncy self and she was able to be rid of the Cone of Shame.
I passed the first of five tests at the police academy. I scored 97%. So far so good. I need to pass four more tests with at least a 75% on each test. After that, I will get a huge caseload of desperadoes. Whoo-hoo! I also get fitted for my body armor next week. Huzzah!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
You know you're a loser when...
So, I've been having to take a long, hard look at my life's accomplishments lately and I've come to the conclusion that I'm worth a lot more dead than alive. I'm a colossal loser. My accomplishments are pretty close to meaningless. Doug deserves better than me.
When my father was 41 years old, he was a millionaire. At age 41, I presently have $19 in my checking account. At age 41, my dad owned a $400,000, 6-bedroom home on a half-acre of land in a very posh neighborhood. He also had six cars and two motorcycles. He had rare art from all over the world, including a Salvador Dali. I, by comparison, am barely keeping up with a tiny, 11-foot-wide rowhome in a dodgy neighborhood. My home needs repairs that I cannot afford to make. I don't own any art. I barely keep up with my car payments. And far from being a millionaire, my net worth is something like $10,000 if all of my assets were sold and the proceeds used to pay creditors.
That's pretty pathetic for someone who started working at age 14.
If I was killed in an accident or dropped dead from heart failure, Doug would get a $50,000 insurance payout and a $32,000 check from the pension service. I'm worth more dead than alive.
My other "accomplishments"? I manage to lead worship services that few people attend. When Doug leads, the attendance is typically 2-3 times more than services I lead. I'm just not that likable. I wrote two books that ultimately had about $25 in royalties paid -- ever. So if that's not the definition of a flop, I don't know what is. I wrote a roleplaying game (a three volume set) that took over ten years to write and has over 1,500 pages in all. No publisher would touch it with a ten foot pole. I was pretty good at jogging, but then my body developed a heart illness (yes, I can even be a loser in exercise). I compensated by doing bicycling instead, but then my bike got stolen (the losing streak continues) and I couldn't afford to replace it (because I am a loser).
Want to know more? Well, I'm also a loser at hang gliding. I've wrecked three gliders and could never afford to get a fourth (because I am a loser). I damaged my body in a diving accident and have had long-lasting medical repercussions as a result. I have few friends. Most people can't really abide being around me for more than an hour or so. I'm emotionally crippled. I have a dissociative disorder that prevents me from ever feeling whole. I have a college degree that is utterly worthless (it's in mathematics and I'm not actually all that good at math). When I worked in private industry, every company I worked for ended up going out of business. (Yes, I am that much of a loser).
In attempt to show that I can actually accomplish something, I applied to be a probation agent. The pay is better after a year in "trainee" status. The trouble is that I'm probably going to f--- this job up like I f--- everything else up. Losers only know how to lose. Doug deserves better than me. If I screw up at this new job, I will have to do the honorable thing before the termination papers can get processed. At least Doug will get some insurance/pension money so that he won't lose the house. I should just drive the car into a retaining wall at 100 MPH. That would at least end the losing streak and let Doug have a chance at a life with someone who doesn't drag him down.
When my father was 41 years old, he was a millionaire. At age 41, I presently have $19 in my checking account. At age 41, my dad owned a $400,000, 6-bedroom home on a half-acre of land in a very posh neighborhood. He also had six cars and two motorcycles. He had rare art from all over the world, including a Salvador Dali. I, by comparison, am barely keeping up with a tiny, 11-foot-wide rowhome in a dodgy neighborhood. My home needs repairs that I cannot afford to make. I don't own any art. I barely keep up with my car payments. And far from being a millionaire, my net worth is something like $10,000 if all of my assets were sold and the proceeds used to pay creditors.
That's pretty pathetic for someone who started working at age 14.
If I was killed in an accident or dropped dead from heart failure, Doug would get a $50,000 insurance payout and a $32,000 check from the pension service. I'm worth more dead than alive.
My other "accomplishments"? I manage to lead worship services that few people attend. When Doug leads, the attendance is typically 2-3 times more than services I lead. I'm just not that likable. I wrote two books that ultimately had about $25 in royalties paid -- ever. So if that's not the definition of a flop, I don't know what is. I wrote a roleplaying game (a three volume set) that took over ten years to write and has over 1,500 pages in all. No publisher would touch it with a ten foot pole. I was pretty good at jogging, but then my body developed a heart illness (yes, I can even be a loser in exercise). I compensated by doing bicycling instead, but then my bike got stolen (the losing streak continues) and I couldn't afford to replace it (because I am a loser).
Want to know more? Well, I'm also a loser at hang gliding. I've wrecked three gliders and could never afford to get a fourth (because I am a loser). I damaged my body in a diving accident and have had long-lasting medical repercussions as a result. I have few friends. Most people can't really abide being around me for more than an hour or so. I'm emotionally crippled. I have a dissociative disorder that prevents me from ever feeling whole. I have a college degree that is utterly worthless (it's in mathematics and I'm not actually all that good at math). When I worked in private industry, every company I worked for ended up going out of business. (Yes, I am that much of a loser).
In attempt to show that I can actually accomplish something, I applied to be a probation agent. The pay is better after a year in "trainee" status. The trouble is that I'm probably going to f--- this job up like I f--- everything else up. Losers only know how to lose. Doug deserves better than me. If I screw up at this new job, I will have to do the honorable thing before the termination papers can get processed. At least Doug will get some insurance/pension money so that he won't lose the house. I should just drive the car into a retaining wall at 100 MPH. That would at least end the losing streak and let Doug have a chance at a life with someone who doesn't drag him down.
Monday, October 31, 2011
A Samhain Poem
A Year and a Day
By Indigo
Shining sun and glimmering sea
God and Goddess blessed be
Earth below and Sky above
God and Goddess thanks and love
A time of darkness, of autumn's hold
The God of Shadow rules the cold
Of fallen leaves, of wind so chill
The wizened Goddess loves us still
A spark of light in dark forlorn
The infant God is thus reborn
The time of loss is nearly past
The ancient Goddess declares at last
A ring of ice begins to melt
The Sun God's presence soon is felt
A ring of fire shall warm the night
The maiden Goddess shines with light
The day and night have equal hour
The Sun God has returned to power
Light and Dark, in balance be
The Maiden Goddess dances free
The time of growth, here and above
The Sun God bids the Goddess love
Fertility now of womb and fields
The Goddess to her lover yields
A time of light, a time of power
The Sun God's love doth rule this hour
A time of green, of warmth, and light
The Mother sings out with delight
A time of harvest, of wheat and grain
The Sun God's power begins to wane
A time of reaping, as spring foretold
The Mother Goddess is growing old
The days grow short, the fields are fallow
The Sun God becomes the Lord of Shadow
The fields stand barren, the fruits are stored
The Loving Crone has kept her word.
Shining sun and glimmering sea
God and Goddess blessed be
Earth below and Sky above
God and Goddess thanks and love
By Indigo
Shining sun and glimmering sea
God and Goddess blessed be
Earth below and Sky above
God and Goddess thanks and love
A time of darkness, of autumn's hold
The God of Shadow rules the cold
Of fallen leaves, of wind so chill
The wizened Goddess loves us still
A spark of light in dark forlorn
The infant God is thus reborn
The time of loss is nearly past
The ancient Goddess declares at last
A ring of ice begins to melt
The Sun God's presence soon is felt
A ring of fire shall warm the night
The maiden Goddess shines with light
The day and night have equal hour
The Sun God has returned to power
Light and Dark, in balance be
The Maiden Goddess dances free
The time of growth, here and above
The Sun God bids the Goddess love
Fertility now of womb and fields
The Goddess to her lover yields
A time of light, a time of power
The Sun God's love doth rule this hour
A time of green, of warmth, and light
The Mother sings out with delight
A time of harvest, of wheat and grain
The Sun God's power begins to wane
A time of reaping, as spring foretold
The Mother Goddess is growing old
The days grow short, the fields are fallow
The Sun God becomes the Lord of Shadow
The fields stand barren, the fruits are stored
The Loving Crone has kept her word.
Shining sun and glimmering sea
God and Goddess blessed be
Earth below and Sky above
God and Goddess thanks and love
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Samhain is coming up!
Yes, indeed, it is only six days until Samhain (October 31st). It is the day when the veil between the material and spiritual worlds is the thinnest. It begins the "darkest" quarter of the year when there is less sunlight than at other times of year. The leaves of the trees are vibrant yellow, orange, and red. There's a crispness to the air that is special to this time of year.
I am co-officiating for a Samhain ritual this upcoming weekend. Doug, my spouse, isn't a big fan of this holiday since it focuses on ancestors and loved ones who have died. Doug's sister died from lung/breast cancer about four years ago, so Samhain is a tough holiday. It's aggravated this year because our wonderful little dog Lola died over the weekend. She was about fifteen years old. She did not suffer. She went to sleep on her little doggy bed and that was it. I'm guessing she had a stroke since the only indicator that something was wrong was that she had some coordination problems earlier in the day.
Samhain can be a sad holiday, but it is a necessary one. There is an ongoing balance between life and death. There has to be one for the other to continue. Without life, there can be no death. But without death, the cycle of life would also stop. That is the beauty of Wicca is understanding that darkness is not evil, but simply a necessary balance to light. Death is not evil, but simply a necessary balance to life. Likewise, death often brings sadness and despair, but how can one ever know joy and happiness if one has never experienced its opposite?
So Samhain recognizes the harsher realities that are very much part of our lives. Death is real, but it does not have to be feared. And it is merely one stop in the ongoing cycle of birth, growth, decline, death, rest, and rebirth.
So, for Samhain, here are the people I light a candle of memory for:
Lola the Dog: You were a wonderful little beastie and a loyal friend. You were a wonderful companion.
Charles: You were a great stepfather. I often think how wonderful it would have been if you had raised me instead of the monster who actually did. I'm sorry you died so young.
Jewel: I didn't know you very long because your life was cut short be cancer. But I am grateful that you introduced me to Wicca. My life has changed for the better in so many ways since walking the pagan path.
I am co-officiating for a Samhain ritual this upcoming weekend. Doug, my spouse, isn't a big fan of this holiday since it focuses on ancestors and loved ones who have died. Doug's sister died from lung/breast cancer about four years ago, so Samhain is a tough holiday. It's aggravated this year because our wonderful little dog Lola died over the weekend. She was about fifteen years old. She did not suffer. She went to sleep on her little doggy bed and that was it. I'm guessing she had a stroke since the only indicator that something was wrong was that she had some coordination problems earlier in the day.
Samhain can be a sad holiday, but it is a necessary one. There is an ongoing balance between life and death. There has to be one for the other to continue. Without life, there can be no death. But without death, the cycle of life would also stop. That is the beauty of Wicca is understanding that darkness is not evil, but simply a necessary balance to light. Death is not evil, but simply a necessary balance to life. Likewise, death often brings sadness and despair, but how can one ever know joy and happiness if one has never experienced its opposite?
So Samhain recognizes the harsher realities that are very much part of our lives. Death is real, but it does not have to be feared. And it is merely one stop in the ongoing cycle of birth, growth, decline, death, rest, and rebirth.
So, for Samhain, here are the people I light a candle of memory for:
Lola the Dog: You were a wonderful little beastie and a loyal friend. You were a wonderful companion.
Charles: You were a great stepfather. I often think how wonderful it would have been if you had raised me instead of the monster who actually did. I'm sorry you died so young.
Jewel: I didn't know you very long because your life was cut short be cancer. But I am grateful that you introduced me to Wicca. My life has changed for the better in so many ways since walking the pagan path.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Autumn
I have to say that I made the most out of yesterday. It was one of those rare autumn days in Baltimore in which it *wasn't* overcast and raining. I think it actually rained every day here for nearly a month. It wasn't a hard, flood-causing rain, of course, but instead it was a consistent drizzle that made outdoor activities miserable. But, lo and behold, it was warm and sunny yesterday. I used the opportunity to walk six miles and do yard work. It was pretty nice being able to get out and exercise.
I am still getting strung along by the Department of Parole & Probation. Apparently I am "approved for hire" but not actually hired. My guess is that I am a backup plan in case their preferred candidate (most likely someone 25, in perfect health, and 800 credit) cracks up. I'm not holding my breath concerning this job. I am good at my current job but I'l like to leave because of the grotesquely asymmetrical working conditions. Just to give you an idea of what I mean, there are 12 case agents in my unit. The recommended duty load is 45 cases. I and six other agents have duty loads above 70 (mine is currently 80). There are some agents that are "friends" with upper management that have case loads under 20. One even has a duty load of *one* case. It's just pathetic. I don't mind working hard, but it bugs the crap out of me to know that the reason why my case load is 80 is because some skinny, 25-year-old sweet-looking, lazy, petty bimbo has a caseload of *one*. And that is why I want to get a different job. I'm tired of doing other people's work and getting paid less for it. The bimbo actually gets paid more than me too. Blech.
I am really distressed about how sick and frail my mom has become. She is terminally ill due to her smoking habit. There is nothing to be done. But it's just pains me to know how sick she is and how little quality of life she has remaining. And I really resent the fact that I can't be there for her as much as I'd like.
I also get resentful over the fact that I feel like a creep because I am not as emotionally close to her as I think I'm supposed to be. But when I was a child, she was an out-of-control alcoholic who was passed out on the couch with an empty vodka bottle next to her every day when I cam home from school. She was also a narcissist who used to do utterly fake suicide attempts and make my sister and me watch. I remember a particularly wretched attempt where she swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin and then made us watch her throw up blood into the bath tub. Nice. You just don't really "bounce back" from seeing that.
I think I'm as emotionally close to her as I *can* be, but there's certainly some distance there. And I feel like a creep because of it. But I don't see how there is a way around that. I do call mom twice each week.And that's two more calls than my worthless sister ever does. It's two more calls than my cheapskate millionaire uncle ever does. He lives only a half-hour drive, is a millionaire, and won't spend a minute with his sister nor help her out financially in any way. Mom is on food stamps and medicare and my uncle won't give mom a thin dime. Of course, he's a devout Christian, so that's to be expected.
I am still getting strung along by the Department of Parole & Probation. Apparently I am "approved for hire" but not actually hired. My guess is that I am a backup plan in case their preferred candidate (most likely someone 25, in perfect health, and 800 credit) cracks up. I'm not holding my breath concerning this job. I am good at my current job but I'l like to leave because of the grotesquely asymmetrical working conditions. Just to give you an idea of what I mean, there are 12 case agents in my unit. The recommended duty load is 45 cases. I and six other agents have duty loads above 70 (mine is currently 80). There are some agents that are "friends" with upper management that have case loads under 20. One even has a duty load of *one* case. It's just pathetic. I don't mind working hard, but it bugs the crap out of me to know that the reason why my case load is 80 is because some skinny, 25-year-old sweet-looking, lazy, petty bimbo has a caseload of *one*. And that is why I want to get a different job. I'm tired of doing other people's work and getting paid less for it. The bimbo actually gets paid more than me too. Blech.
I am really distressed about how sick and frail my mom has become. She is terminally ill due to her smoking habit. There is nothing to be done. But it's just pains me to know how sick she is and how little quality of life she has remaining. And I really resent the fact that I can't be there for her as much as I'd like.
I also get resentful over the fact that I feel like a creep because I am not as emotionally close to her as I think I'm supposed to be. But when I was a child, she was an out-of-control alcoholic who was passed out on the couch with an empty vodka bottle next to her every day when I cam home from school. She was also a narcissist who used to do utterly fake suicide attempts and make my sister and me watch. I remember a particularly wretched attempt where she swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin and then made us watch her throw up blood into the bath tub. Nice. You just don't really "bounce back" from seeing that.
I think I'm as emotionally close to her as I *can* be, but there's certainly some distance there. And I feel like a creep because of it. But I don't see how there is a way around that. I do call mom twice each week.And that's two more calls than my worthless sister ever does. It's two more calls than my cheapskate millionaire uncle ever does. He lives only a half-hour drive, is a millionaire, and won't spend a minute with his sister nor help her out financially in any way. Mom is on food stamps and medicare and my uncle won't give mom a thin dime. Of course, he's a devout Christian, so that's to be expected.
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