Monday, October 31, 2011

A Samhain Poem

A Year and a Day
By Indigo

Shining sun and glimmering sea
God and Goddess blessed be
Earth below and Sky above
God and Goddess thanks and love

A time of darkness, of autumn's hold
The God of Shadow rules the cold
Of fallen leaves, of wind so chill
The wizened Goddess loves us still

A spark of light in dark forlorn
The infant God is thus reborn
The time of loss is nearly past
The ancient Goddess declares at last

A ring of ice begins to melt
The Sun God's presence soon is felt
A ring of fire shall warm the night
The maiden Goddess shines with light

The day and night have equal hour
The Sun God has returned to power
Light and Dark, in balance be
The Maiden Goddess dances free

The time of growth, here and above
The Sun God bids the Goddess love
Fertility now of womb and fields
The Goddess to her lover yields

A time of light, a time of power
The Sun God's love doth rule this hour
A time of green, of warmth, and light
The Mother sings out with delight

A time of harvest, of wheat and grain
The Sun God's power begins to wane
A time of reaping, as spring foretold
The Mother Goddess is growing old

The days grow short, the fields are fallow
The Sun God becomes the Lord of Shadow
The fields stand barren, the fruits are stored
The Loving Crone has kept her word.

Shining sun and glimmering sea
God and Goddess blessed be
Earth below and Sky above
God and Goddess thanks and love

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Samhain is coming up!

Yes, indeed, it is only six days until Samhain (October 31st). It is the day when the veil between the material and spiritual worlds is the thinnest. It begins the "darkest" quarter of the year when there is less sunlight than at other times of year. The leaves of the trees are vibrant yellow, orange, and red. There's a crispness to the air that is special to this time of year.

I am co-officiating for a Samhain ritual this upcoming weekend. Doug, my spouse, isn't a big fan of this holiday since it focuses on ancestors and loved ones who have died. Doug's sister died from lung/breast cancer about four years ago, so Samhain is a tough holiday. It's aggravated this year because our wonderful little dog Lola died over the weekend. She was about fifteen years old. She did not suffer. She went to sleep on her little doggy bed and that was it. I'm guessing she had a stroke since the only indicator that something was wrong was that she had some coordination problems earlier in the day.

Samhain can be a sad holiday, but it is a necessary one. There is an ongoing balance between life and death. There has to be one for the other to continue. Without life, there can be no death. But without death, the cycle of life would also stop. That is the beauty of Wicca is understanding that darkness is not evil, but simply a necessary balance to light. Death is not evil, but simply a necessary balance to life. Likewise, death often brings sadness and despair, but how can one ever know joy and happiness if one has never experienced its opposite?

So Samhain recognizes the harsher realities that are very much part of our lives. Death is real, but it does not have to be feared. And it is merely one stop in the ongoing cycle of birth, growth, decline, death, rest, and rebirth.

So, for Samhain, here are the people I light a candle of memory for:

Lola the Dog: You were a wonderful little beastie and a loyal friend. You were a wonderful companion.
Charles: You were a great stepfather. I often think how wonderful it would have been if you had raised me instead of the monster who actually did. I'm sorry you died so young.
Jewel: I didn't know you very long because your life was cut short be cancer. But I am grateful that you introduced me to Wicca. My life has changed for the better in so many ways since walking the pagan path.

Sunday, October 9, 2011


I have to say that I made the most out of yesterday. It was one of those rare autumn days in Baltimore in which it *wasn't* overcast and raining. I think it actually rained every day here for nearly a month. It wasn't a hard, flood-causing rain, of course, but instead it was a consistent drizzle that made outdoor activities miserable. But, lo and behold, it was warm and sunny yesterday. I used the opportunity to walk six miles and do yard work. It was pretty nice being able to get out and exercise.

I am still getting strung along by the Department of Parole & Probation. Apparently I am "approved for hire" but not actually hired. My guess is that I am a backup plan in case their preferred candidate (most likely someone 25, in perfect health, and 800 credit) cracks up. I'm not holding my breath concerning this job. I am good at my current job but I'l like to leave because of the grotesquely asymmetrical working conditions. Just to give you an idea of what I mean, there are 12 case agents in my unit. The recommended duty load is 45 cases. I and six other agents have duty loads above 70 (mine is currently 80). There are some agents that are "friends" with upper management that have case loads under 20. One even has a duty load of *one* case. It's just pathetic. I don't mind working hard, but it bugs the crap out of me to know that the reason why my case load is 80 is because some skinny, 25-year-old sweet-looking, lazy, petty bimbo has a caseload of *one*.  And that is why I want to get a different job. I'm tired of doing other people's work and getting paid less for it. The bimbo actually gets paid more than me too. Blech.

I am really distressed about how sick and frail my mom has become. She is terminally ill due to her smoking habit. There is nothing to be done. But it's just pains me to know how sick she is and how little quality of life she has remaining. And I really resent the fact that I can't be there for her as much as I'd like.

I also get resentful over the fact that I feel like a creep because I am not as emotionally close to her as I think I'm supposed to be. But when I was a child, she was an out-of-control alcoholic who was passed out on the couch with an empty vodka bottle next to her every day when I cam home from school. She was also a narcissist who used to do utterly fake suicide attempts and make my sister and me watch. I remember a particularly wretched attempt where she swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin and then made us watch her throw up blood into the bath tub. Nice. You just don't really "bounce back" from seeing that.

I think I'm as emotionally close to her as I *can* be, but there's certainly some distance there. And I feel like a creep because of it. But I don't see how there is a way around that. I do call mom twice each week.And that's two more calls than my worthless sister ever does. It's two more calls than my cheapskate millionaire uncle ever does. He lives only a half-hour drive, is a millionaire, and won't spend a minute with his sister nor help her out financially in any way. Mom is on food stamps and medicare and my uncle won't give mom a thin dime. Of course, he's a devout Christian, so that's to be expected.