Autumn

I have to say that I made the most out of yesterday. It was one of those rare autumn days in Baltimore in which it *wasn't* overcast and raining. I think it actually rained every day here for nearly a month. It wasn't a hard, flood-causing rain, of course, but instead it was a consistent drizzle that made outdoor activities miserable. But, lo and behold, it was warm and sunny yesterday. I used the opportunity to walk six miles and do yard work. It was pretty nice being able to get out and exercise.

I am still getting strung along by the Department of Parole & Probation. Apparently I am "approved for hire" but not actually hired. My guess is that I am a backup plan in case their preferred candidate (most likely someone 25, in perfect health, and 800 credit) cracks up. I'm not holding my breath concerning this job. I am good at my current job but I'l like to leave because of the grotesquely asymmetrical working conditions. Just to give you an idea of what I mean, there are 12 case agents in my unit. The recommended duty load is 45 cases. I and six other agents have duty loads above 70 (mine is currently 80). There are some agents that are "friends" with upper management that have case loads under 20. One even has a duty load of *one* case. It's just pathetic. I don't mind working hard, but it bugs the crap out of me to know that the reason why my case load is 80 is because some skinny, 25-year-old sweet-looking, lazy, petty bimbo has a caseload of *one*.  And that is why I want to get a different job. I'm tired of doing other people's work and getting paid less for it. The bimbo actually gets paid more than me too. Blech.

I am really distressed about how sick and frail my mom has become. She is terminally ill due to her smoking habit. There is nothing to be done. But it's just pains me to know how sick she is and how little quality of life she has remaining. And I really resent the fact that I can't be there for her as much as I'd like.

I also get resentful over the fact that I feel like a creep because I am not as emotionally close to her as I think I'm supposed to be. But when I was a child, she was an out-of-control alcoholic who was passed out on the couch with an empty vodka bottle next to her every day when I cam home from school. She was also a narcissist who used to do utterly fake suicide attempts and make my sister and me watch. I remember a particularly wretched attempt where she swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin and then made us watch her throw up blood into the bath tub. Nice. You just don't really "bounce back" from seeing that.

I think I'm as emotionally close to her as I *can* be, but there's certainly some distance there. And I feel like a creep because of it. But I don't see how there is a way around that. I do call mom twice each week.And that's two more calls than my worthless sister ever does. It's two more calls than my cheapskate millionaire uncle ever does. He lives only a half-hour drive, is a millionaire, and won't spend a minute with his sister nor help her out financially in any way. Mom is on food stamps and medicare and my uncle won't give mom a thin dime. Of course, he's a devout Christian, so that's to be expected.