So, I've been having to take a long, hard look at my life's accomplishments lately and I've come to the conclusion that I'm worth a lot more dead than alive. I'm a colossal loser. My accomplishments are pretty close to meaningless. Doug deserves better than me.
When my father was 41 years old, he was a millionaire. At age 41, I presently have $19 in my checking account. At age 41, my dad owned a $400,000, 6-bedroom home on a half-acre of land in a very posh neighborhood. He also had six cars and two motorcycles. He had rare art from all over the world, including a Salvador Dali. I, by comparison, am barely keeping up with a tiny, 11-foot-wide rowhome in a dodgy neighborhood. My home needs repairs that I cannot afford to make. I don't own any art. I barely keep up with my car payments. And far from being a millionaire, my net worth is something like $10,000 if all of my assets were sold and the proceeds used to pay creditors.
That's pretty pathetic for someone who started working at age 14.
If I was killed in an accident or dropped dead from heart failure, Doug would get a $50,000 insurance payout and a $32,000 check from the pension service. I'm worth more dead than alive.
My other "accomplishments"? I manage to lead worship services that few people attend. When Doug leads, the attendance is typically 2-3 times more than services I lead. I'm just not that likable. I wrote two books that ultimately had about $25 in royalties paid -- ever. So if that's not the definition of a flop, I don't know what is. I wrote a roleplaying game (a three volume set) that took over ten years to write and has over 1,500 pages in all. No publisher would touch it with a ten foot pole. I was pretty good at jogging, but then my body developed a heart illness (yes, I can even be a loser in exercise). I compensated by doing bicycling instead, but then my bike got stolen (the losing streak continues) and I couldn't afford to replace it (because I am a loser).
Want to know more? Well, I'm also a loser at hang gliding. I've wrecked three gliders and could never afford to get a fourth (because I am a loser). I damaged my body in a diving accident and have had long-lasting medical repercussions as a result. I have few friends. Most people can't really abide being around me for more than an hour or so. I'm emotionally crippled. I have a dissociative disorder that prevents me from ever feeling whole. I have a college degree that is utterly worthless (it's in mathematics and I'm not actually all that good at math). When I worked in private industry, every company I worked for ended up going out of business. (Yes, I am that much of a loser).
In attempt to show that I can actually accomplish something, I applied to be a probation agent. The pay is better after a year in "trainee" status. The trouble is that I'm probably going to f--- this job up like I f--- everything else up. Losers only know how to lose. Doug deserves better than me. If I screw up at this new job, I will have to do the honorable thing before the termination papers can get processed. At least Doug will get some insurance/pension money so that he won't lose the house. I should just drive the car into a retaining wall at 100 MPH. That would at least end the losing streak and let Doug have a chance at a life with someone who doesn't drag him down.
What a disturbing entry. I hope this is venting frustration than an actual belief. If so, you have been schnockered.
ReplyDeleteMonetary accumulation is overall a lousy yardstick to measure one's self worth.
And, I can not imagine Doug would be better off with your death.
I can't imagine that I'd be friends with a loser. And I am your friend. Therefore, you cannot be a loser.
ReplyDeleteAnd wealth is not an indicator of anything other than wealth. Money is just a thing. It can't buy happiness, can't solve problems, and won't make anybody better. But you are wealthy in ways that can't be purchased, sold, or traded. And that counts far more than anything else.